Does Having Sex To Prove Sexual Compatibility Prove Anything?

I was recently having a conversation with a friend on premarital sex when the subject of Sexual Compatibility came up. She was of the opinion that it was quite important that prospective couples get to know each other sexually before they marry in order to establish their compatibility sexually or otherwise. She went on to posit that the lack of this experience has left many marriages wrecked as couples, after marriage, have found their sexual preferences incompatible with each other. For her, and by extension all ladies, there was a need to establish if a man meets a woman's sexual needs in terms of drive, stamina, size and quality.

So I asked her what happens if the man you meet fails to impress you? Good enough a reason to leave him? Call him Richard for a moment. Any guarantees Kwame will pass after you have left Richard for him? Well, since the sweetness of the pudding is in the munching, he also munches and fails...you pack your bags and hit the trail again? And Douglas? Even Dick (pardon his name)? Do you realise that by the time you meet Paul, the only guy who can rock you to the bone, you would have lost Count?

Do you also realise that relationships are not only built around sexual gratifications? There are innumerable things that hold two people together; things that in most cases hold value than sexual prowess. Are you saying that you would let go of all the things that define a good person, because they climax a minute earlier, have smaller penis, are boring in bed, and for women, have no clue how to make a man go mad in bed? Are you willing to let go, of the totality of a person because they fail the sexual compatibility test? Are you for real?

Let me turn this same argument in another direction. Do you realise that a man or a woman can blow your mind to shreds in bed, but with the same measure of dexterity cheat on you, abuse or manipulate you? In this regard, sexual compatibility is not a defining measure of a successful marriage. Sex is sex and marriage is marriage. Sex is to be enjoyed in marriage, and a good marriage has a good sexual relationship, I admit. I also admit that while sexual pleasure can be gained exclusively out of marriage, it will be a huge challenge to have a marriage that is sexually starved. I admit. But I also admit that, in the end, if a person is nasty, not all the magic they do in bed can make them good. In any case, there are some things sex and sexual compatibility may not reveal between two individuals. For instance, if you are having sex for fun, then you can never tell if the man can make you pregnant or the woman can get pregnant. Remember, you could be on pill or be using condom, therefore the only things being tested in this scenario are size, style, stamina and quality.

Or, you can choose to get pregnant. That is the ultimate proof of her fertility or his potency, outside of the lab. Being pregnant, sadly, is no definer of one's ability to hold for the full term. So, a new dimension or argument is opened. Can she hold the pregnancy to term? Is the man giving out a good seed? Can the woman survive delivery? These are the many other dimensions that are opened if we really want to take this argument to its logical conclusion. Sex to determine compatibility proves nothing, really. Everything comes to two people who want to engage in it but find themselves caught up in the struggle to please themselves and their social doctrines, including their faith.

For singles, and those who want to stay chaste or celibate till marriage, I want to say that it is a good thing if it gives you comfort; there is nothing gravely missed. Sex is overrated. In the final analysis, most married couples will tell you, after a while, it is the least of their worries when they think of their union as a man and wife.

In my own experience, I have come to realise that there is nothing like a man or woman who is totally horrible in bed, except in cases of a prevailing medical condition or a birth defect. What we get is the price we pay for prior knowledge. Is the car small or big? The answer is always in comparative terms. You answer based on your experiences with cars. If that is the only car you have ever seen, then you really won't be in the position to tell. Your best bet would be to enjoy the car for what it is. Is he or she good in bed? Well, that is a question that can be answered fairly by one who has an experiential knowledge or has had prior sexual partners. Herein lies the sweet and the bitter experience. You know, because you have tried it before. Clearly, if you are trying it again, then many factors led you to walk away. That debunks the argument on board, unless the only reason why you are trying it again, was because the experience was horrible. How did you know it was horrible? Because there was an earlier experience. Do you realise, there seem not to be an end to this? Ultimately, it becomes a crave, a fixation, rather than a just desire.

There is also the bitter side of that experience, when you have to let go of a good person. In your heart, they were everything you were looking for in a person, however, you know staying with them would lead to infidelity because you feel sexually unsatisfied, and the unconscious comparison won't just stop.

Is he good or bad? A totally unfair way to judge someone, don't you think? So now it is a crime for a man to focus on the most important things in life, according to him, and have little or no sexual escapades? So why is he being penalized for his virtue? Why is a woman, who can only lie flat on his back being dumped for placing value on himself and choosing not to sell himself cheap to any Tom, Dick and Harry? Interestingly, too much knowledge would have moved her from being boring in bed and therefore the urgent need to dump her, to being a slut and therefore the urgent need to dump her. What is a sister to do?

People learn. If you love someone, you patiently teach them what you want them to know. When lovers explore their sexuality together and learn, they grow intimate and appreciate the true beauty and uniqueness of what they have. There is no true love shown, if you cannot teach your wife or husband what pleases you. Most often, you find out that those who shout out loudest about sexual compatibility are those who are least aware of their own sexuality. They are those waiting for others to help them discover themselves. Until you know yourself, your impression of who you are sexually will always be defined through the lens of others. It is in these lens that distorted image of your sexuality is introduced to you.

With time, it becomes a craze, like one who is used to changing cars. the urge to move on because of sex gets so much it becomes a high once it is satisfied. It does not end there, but in marriage where, if divorce is not an option, infidelity gladly takes residence.

Everyone wants to be with someone they feel proud about. Be it a woman or a man, the word cheap means a lot to us as humans. We may not admit it, but silently we hurt when we know what we call out own, is not just a knowledge known to a few but almost to everyone of the opposite sex you bump into. Cinderella lost her slippers not her pride in order to get a prince. Whether you are a man or a woman, have a greater purpose for wanting to be with a someone or staying with them. If sex is the only reason you would stay or go, then you are not ready to stay...so yea...Go!

PG Sebastian